Hi everyone,

I have been offline for a few days....

I am extremely confused and need some feedback...I have posted some of this stuff before but really feel like I don't know how to move forward. I need some advice and answers on where to begin and how...

My whole life has been in chaos for about 3 and a half years...Before that, I had a very friendly, fun-loving, family and a great life in general. A very full life. I loved the holidays, I loved working hard, and I was on my way to an academic career or a career in research. I loved to decorate, play with my dogs, hang out in my commmunity and get involved in events, talk to people, was very social, outgoing, and engaging...Now I feel extremely lost in every way imaginable and it is a horrible feeling. I feel like I have lost so much and I feel beyond emotinally depleted.

Here is what happened:

April 2002 - parents moved away from long-time hometown of 22 years ( my whole life) because my dad took a new job. It was a very quick decision, did not involve my input or my mother's. My whole extended family and all friends were and still are in hometown.

May 2002 - graduated college

Sept 2002 - started grad school - got food poisoning (we thought) and had to leave, Oct 2002.

Oct. 2002 - June 2003 - sick with what turned out to be intestinal parasites (found out June 2003). Lived with parents in rural community away from hometown. Made 1 or 2 friends.

July 2003 - May 2004 - grad school. Did extremely well and very happy with career choice. Actually, I have never been so happy in my life.

May 2004 - August 2004: Very abusive relationship. Met a young guy in my hometown who proposed to me, stole $10,000 from my family, my credit cards, etc....had to deal with police questioning and was threatened repeatedly by this person not to come forward.

Sept. 2004 - Dec 2004 - back in grad school although very, very (mentally) drained. Lived alone in studio apartment while dealing with all of the continued police questioning, threats, and coursework. My family and I began to have a hard time communicating. I was feeling increasingly lonely but not anxious or depressed. Energy was fine. When I went home for Christmas everything with my family was fine. I really wanted to take a break from school and get a fun job near my parents house and "chill" for a while. But I registered anyway.

Jan 2005 - Subpoenaed to appear in court to testify against the man who did this to me. Told his record. 17 arrests, 2 first degree assaults, was told he was a total sociopath and that I was his 10th victim, and that he was a professional and completely psychotic (by the police) and that I could be in danger.

The 2 weeks before the subpoena and days afterwards I became paralyzed with fear and felt like everything was "spinning"...

The day after court I could not function. I began calling therapists and told my advisor (a psychologist) I thought I had PTSD. I kept asking everyone to "make it stop". I don't know what "it" was but it felt like I was going insane.

Classes started 3 days after court. I felt horrible and started to feel afraid of people and even afraid of my classmates who I had known for a long time. Everything just felt weird. I sudddenly felt like a small child.

I kept going to classes for 5 weeks but just wanted to stop. I felt like I was thinking "one more week, one more week". I felt like everything was screeching to a halt. I started to have trouble doing things. I think maybe I gave up too easily but I felt like I couldn't make it so I took a leave of absence.

March 2005 - Back at "home" with parents where I know no one. Went to sleep (a lot), thought I was exhausted (which I was).

May 2005 - re-enrolled in summer course. Stayed at grandmother's. Grandmother was not exactly supportive, nor were parents. I spent 3 months pretty non-functional, not leaving the house, barely making it to class. Felt displaced. Started taking xanax. Everything felt weird. I was jealous of my friends and their families who were still living at home and in the same place and had stability.

July - a simple midterm led me to take way too much xanax (it was not an attempt) because I could not calm down and was not sleeping.

I have taken a million exams, always done well, and I have no idea why I did this. I admitted myself to the hospital because I felt I had lost control. I barely met criteria to get in, apparently. Was there for 6 days. I kept running to the ER after that, 4 times, a complete wreck.

My therapist wanted me there to get off the xanax but they said they could not do it that quickly and thought I might be bipolar. Therapist disagreed and still does. Current psychiatrist still disagrees and says depression. Therapist says PTSD and depression (situational).

Currently - at "home" (in the country where I know no one) on leave...Very lonely, not working, very confused. Rediagnosed with intestinal parasites (2 weeks ago), on Klonopin for anxiety. Apparently relapsed from stress.

I am totally confused and I feel like I belong no where, miss old traditions, barely go anywhere (family has no friends here), - really isn't anywhere to go -

However, I feel like I am "waking up"....Past couple of days...

Therapist says I was dissociating for 9 months apparently but that is stopping...But I still have a hard time taking care of myself and have not "enjoyed" my "time off". Living here feels like work because I have no one to talk to. Actually, everything feels like work.

Sorry this was so long...someone help? I don't know what to do except I am totally uncomfortable and drained and feel like I have lost my niche in the world.