I sit by myself staring at a wall. My mind is blank. My hand poised with the gun in my hand. The question is why do I not squeeze the trigger slowly and let my self feel numb permanently? There are a few reasons. I would not want to have someone find my body with my head blown all over the wall. Setting a permanent horror image in someone's mind for the rest of their lives is not an ideal thing to me. Suicide does hurt people but I don't want them to have reoccuring dreams about walking in on a guy with no head.

I don't want to know that my friends are crying. Girls crying... is possibly the one thing that can reduce me to wanting to beat my own face in for being such a hoser. It's so hurtful to know that you did something that made a girl cry holy crap worst feeling in the world.
And well all the people I thought were my friends are girls and would cry. I recently read an email from Erin to my brother. I shouldn't have read it I know but it was just open and she said to him at one point "That boy has made me cry more than anyone I know". It hurts to think about that... really does. I can never truly express what I feel to you because even the most eliquent of words will not be suffice.

I recently had someone let me come stay with them in a week but the deal was that I wasn't allowed to try to kill myself for at least 2 months after. The sad thing is that I am counting down the days.

I realized why I come to this site. It's not that I want people to help I just want to feel like someone gives a crap about me and wants to appreciate what I have to say. I am looking to be surrounded by people that give a crap and want to listen. I want to get back into this site and the new people so I am really going to try to.

I know lots of you hate my posts or dislike me for this or that. The truth is that I don't give a [censored] so why voice it? Who ever [censored] did that in the other post I would like to say to shut the hell up from now on but I forget their name so you know who you are. I am who I am as some of you know you either like it or you don't. See you around hope a car [censored] hits me.

Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice