You all mean the world to me and from my heart I thank you and appreciate you more than you know. My heart is really hurting right now with emotions that are filling me and engulfing me as though I am in the eye of the hurricane. My thoughts seem to come and go sometimes more quickly than I can find or else they seem to linger and haunt me at other times.

I am facing some truths for the first time and realizing that through being triggered I was running from something within that I could not see and I was not slowing down to find. Within is feeling pretty hopeless right now but knowing that we have to look at this rationally and stand here so that we can get through it. Thoughts are not good but we are trying to stop the negative abuse to ourselves as for all our lives we have already been through enough. Why is it that we always treat ourselves as though they are still right there?

I saw my t today and tears were flowing so hard that I could not see or breath. He said that my anxiety was at least a 14 on a scale of 1-10. Feelings swarming within that I was afraid to look at and seeing how terrified I really was scared me even more. When someone hears something that is triggering and there is nothing to compare any other thoughts or feelings to it other than what you have known all your life----it is hard to see any other point of view. Not because you do not want to but because you have nothing to compare it to or to step away to.

Love for us was never safe and it never gave us anything to say other than "GET AWAY FROM ME." It was something you ran from not too. When someone wanted to give you a kiss it was not something you looked forward to or wanted. There was nothing to see how normal people respond as to what we know. It left me feeling so anxious and terrified. Feeling that I was going to get in trouble and that I was hated because we could not get it. Truth is it was our perception and something we could not grasp hold of that the fear took over.

When I was growing up and really until just three years ago, I felt I could never have any opinions, that I could never ask questions for they would be smashed and ridiculed. What I was told was the way it was. All my life I lived in fear of ever questioning anything or at least to let anyone know. So when I moved to the safest place I have ever been my thoughts did not and they were still in that don't talk, don't ask mode. It did not matter that someone cared for I was really not safe, but no one could know that.
Though the attacks and visits continued we hid this trying to protect those that we somehow loved and yet pushing away at the same time while all the while screaming silently "PLEASE DON"T GO."

I had questions about myself that I could not ask, questions that I needed to ask, questions that were important to me but a fear that was greater than all the above. Though I screamed the questions out in my mind and into thin air when no one was around to hear for fear that I would be in trouble, the answer always came back empty, for no one heard me. Though I asked my friend when I first got there to please call me on my DID if it were not true and tell me if I am faking it, it was my only cry for asking what I could not other wise ask.

I did not realize that at the time but it was. I wanted her to tell me that I was faking and to snap out of it and that somehow something else was wrong so that maybe there could be some kind of cure----it was not fake and it was true and I was and am DID. Nothing I could do or say would take it away. Being DID is not fun and it is painful to be someone one minute and someone else the next, to never know where you have been or where you are, to speak in plural form but yet there is only you standing there. It was not something I wanted and all I knew is I felt different and weird. I was afraid to be who I was for no one ever had allowed me to be who I was or believed me or even cared.

Figuring out today that I felt all these feelings and never felt like I could voice anything left me vulnerable to feeling so angry and hurt and confused and sad. My tears would not stop falling when I realized that I had triggered myself by allowing those feelings to finally surface and feeling what I had never allowed myself to feel before. It hurts more than any words I could write. I feel empty and lost at the realization of I am alone in this world and even though I have children they are not accepting of my DID either. As much as I want to see them for I miss them with all my heart I know that it is not okay right now for me to go. It would be setting myself up in harms way and setting me back----taking away all I have been working towards.

Knowing that I love them and wanting to spend just a couple hours with them and come back home to where it is safe but also knowing that is not possible or even reasonable at this time. I do love them but I love them enough to allow myself to heal and grow so that they will not pull me back into the place I fled. They cannot help it for they themselves are pulled within a situation that is hard to even realize you are in until you have the chance to get away and want to see it for what it is. I know I was there and within that brainwashing unable to get out and ready to end it all right before I stepped out running in the night to get away.

So my feelings are wrapped around many things and I am trying to sort through it all. It hurts and I am filled with fear, anxiety, screams of what if we get caught or in trouble, hurting from every place that pain and fear and sadness, and anger lay. Nothing right now makes sense as I face these emotions for the first time and try to somehow connect them to the hurt and terror of where they came from. Trying to get Pain and Fear and Echoes to slow this down as it is hitting me harder than anyone knows. I cry and shake with fears I never knew even existed. With truths seeming to scream out at me from all directions but with no compass to tell where it is coming from.

I am scared and exhausted and feeling very alone and hurt. All I want is to feel someone close and to know everything is going to be okay. I know that somewhere in time it will be as my t today told me this is going to be a slow process to get all the pieces brought together. Even though I know this it does not stop the tears. I am scared and alone. And crying.

dps