Quote:
Originally Posted by darkpurplesecrets
When someone hears something that is triggering and there is nothing to compare any other thoughts or feelings to it other than what you have known all your life----it is hard to see any other point of view. Not because you do not want to but because you have nothing to compare it to or to step away to.
Love for us was never safe and it never gave us anything to say other than "GET AWAY FROM ME." It was something you ran from not too. When someone wanted to give you a kiss it was not something you looked forward to or wanted. There was nothing to see how normal people respond as to what we know. It left me feeling so anxious and terrified. When I was growing up and really until just three years ago, I felt I could
Though the attacks and visits continued we hid this trying to protect those that we somehow loved and yet pushing away at the same time while all the while screaming silently "PLEASE DON"T GO."
I had questions about myself that I could not ask, questions that I needed to ask, questions that were important to me but a fear that was greater than all the above. Though I screamed the questions out in my mind and into thin air when no one was around to hear for fear that I would be in trouble, the answer always came back empty, for no one heard me.
I feel empty and lost at the realization of I am alone in this world.
So my feelings are wrapped around many things and I am trying to sort through it all. It hurts and I am filled with fear, anxiety, screams of what if we get caught or in trouble, hurting from every place that pain and fear and sadness, and anger lay. Nothing right now makes sense as I face these emotions for the first time and try to somehow connect them to the hurt and terror of where they came from. Trying to get Pain and Fear and Echoes to slow this down as it is hitting me harder than anyone knows. I cry and shake with fears I never knew even existed. With truths seeming to scream out at me from all directions but with no compass to tell where it is coming from.
dps
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Ohhh, your words speak so loud and clear dear dps. I understand so well the feeling of not knowing what to compare it to to know how to act any different than what you have been taught.
I remember once when I visited a friend and her family was around the piano singing and happy. I was so shocked to see a "happy" family as I had never known one. And I was 17. How sad.
And feeling a desire to be "close" to people but when they disobey the rules I set for them without speaking them, my mind screams GET AWAY FROM ME, and I act until they do. Oh the fear. I know dear how you feel.
The screams in my mind are the loudest, but no one hears them.
But dear dps, now they do. We hear your screams, we feel your fear. And we know not to get too close if it hurts, but we are here for you whenever you need us to help you with a compass to guide you so this journey will have a map that can lead you to the truths you seek.
I met "Victoria" tonight. She is protecting you and letting you rest now. Find peace dear dps. Those that care will always be here for you. I too am holding your hand.
dancingalone
