I know I have been away for almost a month. I had an accident with my horse & both he & I were hurt. Luckily what was thought to be a broken shoulder ended up not broken but damaged to the point it was hard to do anything. I have had to care for my horses leg (20 + stitches) & start him walking again....on top of that my yearling came down with a mild case of strangles along with a lump on her back which requires treatment daily. I haven't been able to fill my mind with the dressage training that I had been doing when my horse was ok. I also have a 4 week old puppy what was born to my surprise...not realizing that my female was even pregnant. He is an only child & required alot of attention so he can learn how to be a puppy & relate outside of just him & Mom.

The change of weather & the fact that I do not have my dressage training to fill my mind, has brought back the flashbacks from last year, questions that flow out & unending tears thinking back to what I went through with my Mother's cancer & how I would have handled it differently if I knew then what I know now (can't let the "what if's" control me but not easy). I have been fighting to keep my mind filled with things other that what is trying to control it again. It feels like a huge fight that is going on inside & I don't want to loose but feel like it is on the winning side. The internal fight is exhausting & it feels like depression is creaping back into control......I WANT IT TO GO AWAY!!!!!!!

I have found that when I am here a lot & reading what others are saying, it brings out the thoughts in my mind that I don't want to be there.....while being able to relate to others, I find myself hurting.

I really appreciate all the support here, but have found that if I spend less time here, I am able to keep my mind on other things that don't allow my mind to go into the places I don't want it to go. I am not good at being in control of my mind....always let it pretty much go where it wanted........but I can't afford to end up back where I was last year.....& must admit.....I am not too far off right now even with all the attention my critters require of me.

Guess this if just trying to answer to myself why I am not here much lately & realize in my own mind what is going on.

Glad you asked this question Ryan......it allowed me to look inside & realize what is really going on.

I am glad to hear you are doing much better & that your friends father's angioplasty went well.

Thank you for asking this question,
Debbie