PART 3: FALLING OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH

When we were apart, it was as if he had disappeared off the face of the earth. And in turn I felt like I was falling off the face of the earth.

I realized I had no hold on him. He was always calm. Always in control. Always so together. Always had an answer. When I said, "I wish you to need me, like I need you." His response? He would laugh, then say "That's ridiculous." If I cried because I was lonely after 3 weeks of not seeing him? HIs response? "If this is too hard on you, then you should walk away. I don't want to cause you pain." He was non-chalant, as if he this relationship was nothing for him.

My response? I read all these self-help books about attracting men. Maybe it was me. I read the entire series by Christian Carter, it was my Bible, it actually helped me hook myself deeper in with him. I learned how to not be needy, not say anything too dramatic or emotional, be sexy, fun, attractive, get him closer. I learned to handle my own loneliness alone... I was actually becoming more of a martyr than before, just a very unneedy martyr. WOW...How did that happen? I was right back to my original state of mind, but instead of being with my poor husband who was a mere pawn to his own emotionally screwed up interior, this new guy? This "therapist", wow, if my husband was a pawn, this guy was the professional Chess player, the Boris Spassky of psychology. I was play-dough in the expert's hands.

Seemed like it was so painful when I didn't see him, and the doubts were killing me, but I couldn't ask him, who he was with on all these trips? Why couldn't I ask anything of him, why didn't he say? Why didn't he need me? How could he love me, say I was the perfect woman that he was so proud of me, but if I mentioned a problem with us or him then, I was paranoid, dramatic and crazy? What happened to the caring, loving, all accepting, understanding Knight in Shining Armor? Why wouldn't his cell phone work when he was out of town or after 8 pm? Too busy, too tired, too overworked, too stressed out, too overwhelmed -- I heard it all.

Well, duh, you might say to me. But I wouldn't see the obvious, it meant I had nowhere to go but down. You see, when we got together, every fear I had melted away, I was in heaven again. I thought I must be nuts for worrying....but actually, I wasn't nuts at all.

AFter 2 years, my oldest daughter had started she wanted reconciliation of our family, wanted Dad back, didn't want to be the reason her little sister and brother couldn't live with their father. She wanted a whole family back -- and she was afraid he wouldn't finish paying for college. I told my therapist expecting to hear how I could reassure my daughter.

You know what he said? HE actually said it was a good idea. What? One of his therapists was seeing my husband, so he had said it would be alright. Why would he suggest this? The kids were used to their Dad living down the street. Now this was going to be another major adjustment. He had been out of our lives and house for 5 years. Sure, my little kids missed him, and yes, he was trying so hard, but i was no expert, how was I to know if he was okay, I missed it before. My therapist, also my lover, with those words had the effect of an unexpected punch me in the gut.

My oldest had wanted this, and now my therapist (ex) was saying it was a great idea. What? Why? After telling me my husband was not to be trusted, would never be "cured", would harm the kids psychologically, was bad for me? Why? But you know, he was the expert, and I trusted him. My husband came back to his own bedroom, and I slept in the guest room. Hmmm, not so hard to see why now, looking back. Now it's obvious that my therapist wanted to put yet another obstacle in front of marrying me. It was getting too close for comfort for him. The promises of marriage, the fantasy of moving to another state, or another country...too real for comfort, and the 2 year moratorium was nearly over. I guess, this way, he could keep me in his bed, but only on one weekend day when he needed his "batteries recharged." IE, SEX.

One night I was with him all day and late into the evening. He had gone to bed early. He left his computer on, and I went on to check something on the internet. Well, he left his email open, big mistake: Seems he'd been working eHarmony pretty hard and for a long time. I remembered earlier then that he kept checking his email during the day, and smiling. Also, it was news to me that he had just gotten back from Hawaii with someone else, and not a colleague.. He told me he went to get away from it all, but remained vague. Vague was his way.

He claimed with passion that he never lied to me, and if I were his lawyer, I would have to agree. He never did, because he never counted lies of omission. BUT he never stopped telling me he was madly in love with me, that I was brilliant, talented, amazing, incredible, beautiful, attractive, sexy, fabulous, morally upright, one of the few great people left in this world -- I was the perfect wife, the perfect woman. So why didn't he want me to move nearer to him?

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I thought I was going crazy, he loved me, but was elusive. He was so calm, so loving, so understanding, I was becoming a mess again -- but now I was a mess over him, and I had to hide it. I thought he knew everything about life, he taught me to stay in the moment. I had to be strong for him, he was lonely, misunderstood, had a horrible childhood, needed protecting, needed understanding, HE NEEDED MY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. HE needed me to see him, to hear him. That yes, he was difficult, and yes, no one else could bear him as a lover for long,

BUT.... I ....was ....SPECIAL. Only I really understood him. And to his credit, at first he brought out the best in me...the me, I firmly believed, that could NOT reach without him by my side. NOw I was becoming his rescuer.

Down deep I knew I was sinking and going down fast. I was sinking lower than I was before I met him. If I could just do the right thing, find the right answer, than I could get us back to the place where we first fell in love. And all this up and down would be over.

Over those few years I wrote 20 songs, each one marking our troubles, our deep love, our thoughts. I , recorded 15 of them, and am currently finishing up the production for on an album that's coming out. Yes, I was ablaze with inspiration. EPIC. I even became a galleried photographer with his encouragement.

BUT

Without him, I truly, deeply KNEW, not felt, that I would surely wither and revert to the dark, black abyss of nightmares and depression where he had found and rescued me from.