Of course I am a perfectionist & I have to be perfect being it......

it has been 52 years of putting pressure on myself. I didn't do it to please my parents.....I did it to not be like them......I had the drive to be better & wasn't satisfied with anything less. I would put in hours & hours & hours of studying to get the high grades.

I was the only female in the aerospace engineering career I had & to be accepted, I had to be better in order to even be recognized that I existed. Sports....speciality was racquettball. Only had guys from work to play with & I couldn't play like a girl because no one would want to play with me. The excess work caused some ulcer problems, exhaustion, & burn out after 15 years. The racquettball ended up with a win on the challenge court against one of the top guy players & being carried off the court with a torn anterior cruciate ligament.

When I went out of work on disability, I found that I didn't have any of the things around me that I had to be perfect at & seemed to loose my identity. However all the things I would do during that initial phase.....I had to do perfectly. I must say that looking back I am glad I wasn't perfect at a few things I did (like the OD's). Even my body got into the doing it right thinking......like my migraines...they were there & nothing could make them go away. My allergies to meds where I react with the most uncommon side effect......nothing simple or even obvious at times.

I do have to admit....I was a crappy Mom to my 2 legged daughter......no where even close to being perfect. Things I have no interest in, I have no drive to be perfect at. Luckily things have turned out great with her & we get along wonderfully now. I am not a perfectionist at marriage either....finally after 30 years....I want it over with & kick myself for not listening to my gut 30 years ago that told me exactly what I am telling myself now.

Now I still have drive to be "the best I can be" at whatever I do. Doesn't mean I have to be perfect but the best. Now I feel like I am competing with myself to continually get better at the things I do & to always learn more & more about the things I am involved with.

My motto regarding perfectionism had always been:
"If I strive to be perfect & miss, I will still be a lot farther ahead than if I strive to be average & I miss that."