Hi Ozzie,

In this post you are dealing with one of the big issues we have to face in our illnesses; this is the breakdown.

Sometimes we don't know that it's going to happen, sometimes we have an intimation, and almost always other people around us will not be aware of the seriousness of our position.

When you had your first breakdown, Ozzie, it sounds like you didn't know it was coming until it hit you, subsequently we have some sense what's going on inside us, if we are lucky enough to be able to read our own illness. You were very wise to take action recently to protect yourself.

When I left teaching I knew that the game was over for me. Doctors talked about having a break, my department head offered a 'sabbatical' but it was like they were talking to me from the other side of a glass screen. My friends tried to hold on to something with me, but gradually everything had to go. I didn't even have the energy to talk to a counsellor. I slept almost all day, walked alone in the countryside, and had lots of different medical tests to try to explain my drastic weight loss. One acquaintance said later that I looked as if I was going to die.

I lost contact with every friend and acquaintance I had, and in my later recovery I moved with my wife to a different town, and now I don't see the old crowd at all. I don't want their judgements, or their embarrassment.

I believe that I have just described a breakdown!

Ozzie, I am quite sure that you did the right thing to drop the responsibilities if you felt an internal change coming on. I asked you at the time if you thought your illness was kicking in. The reason I asked that was because I sensed in your posts that your energy levels were low, and I felt (even through the medium of a web forum) that you needed to take care.

When you started to post here again, I was so relieved, as it indicates that you have not fallen compeletely flat. The important thing now is to put any irrelevant thoughts aside and allow yourself to go through whatever is happening and into recovery again.

I have been quite forthright in this post, as you did ask me to reply to your thread, and I think it deserves my very best shot.

You are a brave person Ozzie.

Good thoughts, M