I hate life I hate myself and I hate everyone around me

My kids are away from me every half the time with this damn custody

I am divorced from an abuser yes but also from a life which I truly loved and felt proud about

I lost everything and I am sick of everyone telling me I will be fine and my life will be fine because I know 100% nothing will ever be fine again

I despise who I have become and the mother that I am or I should say am not

my son coughs and an automatic feeling of panic hits me and I think he has cancer

my daughter drinks some juice and i think its going to kill her

there's just so many things I can write that are wrong that convince me I will never be well

i just wish i had my kids all the time and some company and companionship

I just wish I could accept aging and dying

I am torturing my amazing parents with my mental issues and anger and terror and pain but I keep asking them to just leave me and they continue to be around me and I cannot control my panic at all so they suffer too

I can't stop crying