Welcome Cynthia
You are never alone here hun. Keep posting so we can offer as much support as we can. I can sense that you want to live and reaching out here is a great step to take.
When I read the sentence you wrote " why am I not allowed to just die?"....my thoughts went to because you want to live.
Keep posting hun so we can get to know you better too. Welcome to the boards.

Heather
"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost