Every morning for the past two days, the first thing I think of is my ex. I then check my phone and hope that he has called or texted me. Yesterday I called him before my eyes were open and I had a chance to think better of it. I felt it was imperative that I call and tell him that I have been faithful to him since the day we met, which I have. He accused me of giving him bed bugs the day before. I was appalled. But could not get a word in edgewise through his cussing and had to hang up.
I should not have to prove my fidelity to this person. I know that he is paranoid and delusional. He has not taken his pysch meds for 3 or 4 months. He gets worse in the summer. He is diagnosed with psychosis but says he has been cured by AA. I know that AA can work miracles for addictions, but for my "outside issues" I know I need more help.
Today I woke up and had two ugly texts from him and then a voicemail, also guarded telling me a friend of ours is getting married (his girlfriend got pregnant) and could my "people" please be polite about it.
I know this is just an excuse to contact me, and that I had to not respond. I also know that I started this round with my idiotic weak moment 3 days ago calling to ask for my key back. In AA we have a saying after doing our 4th step inventory that we are able to see our part in things, so that if we tend to think of ourselves as victim we can realize that alot of the time, we were volunteers. I am definitely aware of the fact that I had made a clean break from this now hostile relationship for one whole week! And then I became a volunteer.
Now I am depressed and angry. Now I have to exercise self-control which lets face it, with my borderline diagnosis, is not one of my strong points. The good news is tonight I go to work for the next four nights so I know I will do better due to the structure that work gives me. Anyway, very frustrated today.