the appointment is not until the 17th so i will probably call him b4 then..he would probably note it for future reference i would guess,,,my fears are so high because i am afraid if i get a diagnoses and they see how emotionally distraught i am,,they may think i am not fit to care for my children,,i know i am,,they have everything they need,,i give them love and support and they mean everything to me...i once had a written test (about 5 years ago,but i do not know what it was,,,given through a councellor) and after the lady scored it she was in shock,,,she told me the only other person she ever seen scored like that had a rifle in a dufflebag on his way to kill himself,,any type of person/doc/etc...that i have ever spoken with ask intensly about suicide,,,i do think about it BUT i would/can not,,,i would never let my children feel the suffering of losing their mother that way...that devotion to my children will never allow me to end it,,,i also fear of what the afterlife holds,,if they see the scores will they believe me when i say this? i feel like getting help puts my children in danger,,maybe im just paranoid,,idk,,,thank you for the kind words ..this is even harder than i imagined