i have to try and be objective about this otherwise i won't get it out.

one of the main problems i have regarding my mental state is the constant tension between my rational thoughts and my many anxieties.

i'm surprisingly functional (i have to be, i have a small baby) but i would say at least once or twice every single day the knowledge that the world could come to an end any second in a variety of awful ways arrives back in my head and i struggle to cope with it. i am so terribly afraid of pain and dying horribly and leaving my baby or my husband or for that matter something awful happening to them. i am stuck between trying to get everything done that i want to before i die so i leave some sort of legacy and the thought that something like the LHC will implode the world any second and i will not have time to do that and no-one will remember me and the world in all its incredible beauty will be destroyed that i am constantly paralysed and depressed. all i want to do is do nothing, but then i panic that i would be wasting even more of the precious life i have feeling like that than if i got on and did things. and i hate myself for not just being normal and being able to enjoy things and just have a happy life. my husband is so down-to-earth about everything, be would think i was completely mad if i ever said anything like this to him. and i wouldn't, because i am also afraid that it is like some kind of infectious thought process and i would not wish it on anyone else (sorry). i feel so awful for my baby, as she is so beautiful and innocent and she has no idea of the horrific things that go through her mummy's head and she would be so afraid if she could understand them.

am i the only one who feels like this? i find it so difficult to express any of this stuff and long for someone who might understand these kind of thoughts.

please note - i am not a person of faith, although sometimes i wish i could be - imagine having that blissful sense of serenity that trusting a omnipotent force could bring.

any response right now would be a blessing. x