((((sabby))))

I wish I dealt with anger period but at least it is starting to surface now. When it comes I tend to take it out on myself rather than anyone else. I have seen so much that anger can do to hurt others that I do not want to ever hurt anyone but would rather hurt myself.

I get scared and many times will shake with a feeling of being so cold from the inside. It hurts to shake so much and somehow the pain I try to get from the inside to the out but through myself. Anger scares me but I know that it comes from what I grew up in and what I saw anger do.

When I am angry at someone I tend to hold it in until it gets to be so much that I explode but I explode when I am alone and no one else is around. When I do get angry at say my friend, the guilt fills me and I feel so bad. I do not like to be angry for I think I wonder where it could lead.

I have started to journal and get it out there. I still have trouble showing anger although lately it seems I can slip up at times and then it makes me angry at myself for not hiding it better.

I am trying to understand the anger and as I am working through things I am finding it getting closer to the surface. I have found that I do get angry with those who abused me but still have a long way to go to express it. I think it comes from a childhood of fear around even having anger out a long allowing it to show. I wish somehow I could allow it to go where it needs to go.

I think we tend to lash out at those we feel safest with and those we know are not going to walk away or leave us. We know their love is unconditional and accepts us for who we are. Maybe I am not right but for me there was never anyone that cared out a long loved unconditionally but with conditions. The fact you never felt heard as a child would make sense and you know that your family and closest friends will nt leave you. And even though they do not deserve that it is still the safest place to let it go.

I wish you all the best as you search within to figure this out. It is hard when anger is not something you really know or you know and were never allowed to have. Hugs.

dps