All the above. There are emotions of hurt/sadness, vulnerability/love that I have missing in my life. I feel lost emotionally. If I can feel the hurt then I can process it and move on already and make myself vulnerable to love myself and become a better partner to my husband. When it comes to certain situations ie conflict with other people I shut down the second things become uncomfortable I then become a 'door mat'. When I think about experiences in my past with SA and abuse from my parents when growing up I'm afraid, shut down and frustrated about really feeling those emotions. Part of my 'programing' if you will has been to not express my feelings and in certain situations that has helped me survive but I'm done with surviving. The only emotions/feelings I seem to have about myself are self hate. Thank you for your response ((JD)) sorry for the negative tone in my post. Blah!