For many reasons...

I was not allowed to express myself in the ways of fear, anger, or any expression of need.

One time I was sick and my mom forced me to eat the cereal she made for me for breakfast. I told her I couldn't eat it because I felt sick to my stomach. My brother who was sitting at the table told me a joke and made me laugh. She then told me if I was laughing then I wasn't sick and she forced me to eat the cereal (I was forced to eat the cereal out of fear of being beaten). I then puked at the table into my bowl and she told me I was still faking it and then forced me to eat the puked cereal in the bowl. I of course puked again and then she stopped forcing me to eat the cereal and then believed me (that very feeling in the pit of my stomach is what I feel today).

Another time at the age of 3 when my brother was 4/5 my brother was playing with matches. I was told by my parents to tell them if my brother ever touched/played with matches. Of course he did - I told my father who was home 'watching us' and my brother was beaten for what felt like forever. I still have his screams in my head (from that day forward my mother forbid my father to 'spank' us for fear that he would kill us) - he of course did still use his hands on occasion in anger. That was yet another renforcement that if I open my mouth something bad will happen.

If I was afraid of something I was forced to do it such as touch a spider or fight dirty at the bus stop (I was told you better beat them and if you come home and you don't then I will beat you). I was told at a very young age that I talked too much so I learned to not talk. I took a risk once and I asked for a hug in tears - I was pushed away and told to toughen up (by my mother). If I expressed my feelings in any way I was punished via physical means. I was hit or told I needed to toughen up if I showed any anger or sadness... so my anger turned to fear - over the years I turned to food, drugs, and alcohol to feel numb. If my mom asked me my opinion on something and I had an opposing view from my mother about anything - say abortion for example then I was berated by my mother - so the message to me was what you really think/feel doesn't matter. When my older brother saw me and my abuser kiss he told our mom and she slapped me in the face in front of my relatives (at the age of 5). I feared my parents so I never told them about the SA for fear of being punished. Many years later I told my mom and all she could say was: "I wish you told me I had no idea" - in my head I'm screaming - Of course I wouldn't tell you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - did the intense questions about how someone can get pregnant from a 5 year old not clue you in???????????????

I think the answer is in the above paragraph and yes it's very hard to ask for what I need. I feel shame in that. I feel like I should be stronger and not so weak.

Thank you for listening. Wishing myself some peace.