Hi Yack:

First, I want to say how sorry I am that you are feeling so down and overwhelmed. You have been through way more than your share. It is very admirable indeed that you are persevering with grad school as you are. You are stronger than many... and look at all of the karma points you've built up as a result of this!

It's hard for me to relate to the "home" part of it as I avoid going "home" as much as possible. But, you did say that you get a lot of pleasure out of being part of your community, and THAT part I can relate to. You're a big part of the community here! I have moved a couple of times in my life, and the happiest I've ever been is now. What helped me the most is doing exactly that... getting involved in my community. Just going to a neighborhood association meeting does a lot towards making you feel like you belong somewhere. You said you felt like you needed a niche. Doing something like that would be a great place to start. Volunteering is also good, but I can imagine that it would feel really overwhelming to commit to something right now, especially since you said you feel emotionally drained.

You certainly do seem depressed - I mean, as you describe it, your personality has changed dramatically and you are having difficulty doing things that you used to find simple. I think you should be careful about the goals you set for yourself right now (ie. grad school). Baby steps would be a good idea. Of course, continued therapy will guide you in the right direction, and consideration of meds can stop things from seeming so overwhelming.

I don't know how rural it is where you live, but what about going to craigslist.org for your city and look under 'activity partners'? Find someone to go walking with regularly. Or see if there is some kind of club that has events you can drop into if you're having a "good" day. It could be something as simple as board game night at a restaurant.

I imagine that so many members of this board have read your post and feel really awful about your situation. Many of us just don't know what to offer, other than a hug. There's not much that any of us can do, and it sounds to me like you are highly intelligent and that you have a very realistic grasp of your situation... anything that I can think of to say seems kind of trite compared to what you've already tried.

What do you think would be reasonable next steps for yourself?

(( yack ))

Love,
LMo