... in fact in a few months it's probably been about a year. crazy how time flies. what's ****** is how much i really enjoyed and relished this place last year when i found it. i'm sad i let myself think i didn't need it anymore and lost touch with it and you all.

things are not so good right now. i feel VERY alone. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks ago, and in the last 3 weeks 3 of my closest friends have *****ed me out in some way about how selfish i have been. 2 nights ago got into a fight with one of my closest because she thought my asking for help and support was a guilt trip. then last night another friend got mad at me for stuff she thought i was saying which wasn't true. and while consoling me my other friend said i was a people user.

ontop of it all, i have been doing a lot of work on myself, specifically my unhealthy anger habits and my poor self esteem, i've really shone a light on my darkest demons and was already feeling pretty ****** about myself and the task of changing these things felt daunting. now i feel like there is no one there to support me through it. i'm so ****** i've pushed away everyone i love and care about. i'm "exhausting" as one of them put it.

part of me really just wants to give up. part of me really just wants to get angry and say eff it all and eff u all. part of me wants to cry. part of me has already gone numb and succumb to the fact that nothing i can ever do will be right. and part of my is crying "UNCLE ALREADY!" to the universe.

I know this is obviously a major transition time for me. but there's only so much some one can take. i don't even know where to begin now. and my biggest fear is that i will never change, no matter how hard i try or think i'm trying, and i'm going to end up alone.