Okay, I called him today.

I was hurting all day, just this constant hunger, a craving to just see him, hold him. It was a bad day. So, I went jogging. Took a shower. Went to a meeting. Went tanning. Got food. Got a movie. Watched said movie. Nothing worked. All my usual healthy "take action" tricks not doing their usual behavioral adjustment. You know, move a muscle, change a mood? I was stuck!

(Where is that famous "resilience" I have been hearing so much about? Oh yeah, I don't have any. Never did. Am trying to build some, but it is slow going!)

So, I broke down and called him, and miracles of miracles, he was calm and rational! Hostile angry malicious paranoid phase complete? And the first five minutes of talk are great, honest, real. I miss you. I love you. Why is this so hard? Why does my body hurt all over? Why is this withdrawal from you always so hard?

Amazingly, he sounds sane, and I am oh so glad. He says he feels the same way. He has been hurting for weeks. He can't get over me. He isn't seeing anyone new. Neither am I. We both can't deny our feelings for each other, it has been 16 months now (off and on), we know this thing is real, long-lasting and permanent. It is heaven. Five minutes of heaven.

Then he gets side-tracked by his famous "List of Grievous Complaints". This takes him over an hour to complete, and involves an in depth and detailed blow by blow (can you say ruminating, repeating, obsessive, fixated thoughts?) by which time I am so angry and frustrated, I want to explode.

Two things about my ex. ALL of his resentments are ALWAYS valid. NOTHING is his fault. I am always at fault. I am crazy and he is not. (Can you say typical Black/White thinking?) PEOPLE are out to get him. He may have to get a restraining order. He wants people to know who his enemies are in case he "disappears".

It is absolutely ridiculous. Not only are his delusions of grandeur annoying (he has a new friend who has been to law school, woo hoo! Can you say taking credit for other ppl's accomplishments? Another typical behavior pattern.) The paranoid fantasy of being in danger is just downright sad, because I know of these "dangerous" arch enemies, they are friends of mine. Oh, and yes, I have "crossed over" to the other side, because I refuse to take sides in high school AA drama.

I also know that last summer was another manic high drama resentment-fueled paranoid hostile period involving a totally different chap and all of his cronies. The point is, it doesn't matter whom he fixates on, either I am the enemy,my friends, other folk, the VA, the govt, the obsession varies, but the moods and emotions he gets to vent are always the same. He is always a VICTIM. And people owe him for all these various threats, and grievous acts of harm (disliking him). He will accept cash, check or charge.

He tried to hit me up for $100 to get the key back to my apartment.(Can you say hustler?) Once a con, always a con. He reassures me he won't rob me, though. Great! Then he tells me he didn't throw out all my stuff, then he says he did. (Can you say pathological liar?) He lied just for the sake of it. To hurt me. That's all. Malicious.

Why does the man I love have to be crazy? I mean, this man wants to go to the police and get a restraining order against people in AA because they don't like him! Can you say typical narcissistic Leo? I mean, I love 'em, but really! Enough with the ego, already! The world does not revolve around you! This man is constantly at war with the world. And with me. And he wonders why we are no longer dating.

Now I am at work and doing better, stronger. Sane. I know I will have to tell on myself later about this call (let's all it a slip). There was some closure, though. We were able to say the things we needed to say, which was that we both love each other and miss each other badly, but we just can't be together because we fight literally all of the time.

It also reminded me of just how sick he really is. Who in the throws of admitted heartbreak would waste over an hour venting about one's personal politics and resentments with the world? How did the conversation spin sideways so quickly from focus on "you and me" to this never ending all consuming war with the world?

Is my boyfriend truly psychotic? I mean, he chooses real concrete ppl to fixate on. I vary from enemy to friend depending on his mood. Usually, this summer I have been the enemy. The stronger I get and more independent I become, the more acts of "betrayal" he seems to find in my behavior (like remaining neutral and refusing to take sides in controversy that he has embroiled and/or instigated.)

I have toyed with the idea of getting him to take some of the quizzes on this website, but the problem is he is so wary of my intentions now, and crazy like a fox! He would also lie in order to skew the test, I think. Anyway, thanks for listening. He just texted me twice while I was writing this, and thanks to this site, I was able to not respond!

I also know that it will take three days of not responding to these texts to undo the backslide that I just did by calling him today. I also have decided that it is time to upgrade my phone so I can block his calls.

I hate to me be mean, but this is about my survival. I have come so far thanks to this site. Depressed "hide-at-home and isolate" girl? Out and about tanning and exercising!? That is a miracle! It has been four years since I felt this good. This upswings don't happen often, I need to ride this energy into a new healthy habitual life of strong self-care. The stronger I am, the better I feel, the less chance of a backslide.

Too many triggers and not enough coping skills.

If someone is not healthy for you, and all they do is criticize you, blame things on you, try to control you, limit whom you can be friends with, question you constantly, threaten you, and they cannot stop, the question is do you feel like you deserve to walk away?

I mean, I love this guy. Downright love him. But, he is just plain no good for me. I know this because I have dated this same "type" of guy three or four times before, and they are all jealous, insecure, controlling, great lovers, and nothing is ever their fault. Everything is always your fault, and it is all a crock.

If someone thinks others are out to get him, harm him, hurt him. If someone is constantly at war with the world. If somebody's life is constantly full of conflict and drama. If someone is always starting drama. If you have seen someone wave a gun in the air and threaten to kill someone. This person may not be good for you. If someone tries to hustle you for $100 to get the key to your apt back, they may not be good for you!

SO, yes I am walking away from the man I love. Sad and broken-hearted? Yes. But, I also feeling as if my eyes have been opened. Last year, I was new to town, and I fell for my ex and his little mind games. This year I am stronger, more independent, and seeing his behaviors alot more clearly. Do you know how many girls in the past month have come up to me and said, honey you know he has gotten like ten numbers this summer alone, right? And, he has a good heart, but what an ego, what drama!

When thirty people all think your ex has some serious mental issues and might be psychotic, and you know he has not taken his meds in oh, 3 to 4 months or more, you might want to WALK AWAY! Change the locks, change your number, and change your mind!