Hi everyone, i am new to this forum and will try to talk what's up with me. I know it's gonna be a long story, but i just need some help, support, advice from someone... i don't know what else to do, but to just write it down.
Everything started going downhill when my childhood was stopped abruptly because of moving. We are a big family and i am a middle child from 5 children. So our childhood house was becoming to be too small for all of us, so mom and dad decided we had to move. And from that moment we moved, then i realized my childhood had ended. i was 16. I lost all my friends, i had to go to new school, new surrounding. and well i wasn't coping well. i was teased a lot and i even had a fight with a girl. since then everything has gone downhill. my sweet childhood time was over and hard cold reality hit me on the head. since we moved i felt i was doing everything wrong. i never got enough praise from my parents for doing work around the house and garden, even when i got good grades, they were used to it, so i didn't get praised for doing good. so no matter how hard i tried, nothing was good enough to get some praise. on rare occasions i got a thank you.... i felt like a black sheep in our family. so i started smoking. and had some relationships, but nothing good. i always seem to find the worst men. and after finishing school, even jobs seemed bad. i still haven't been to any job more than 9 months. and i am 25now. i feel like i am cursed, because everything in my life seems to go downhill. and all since i was 16. money has also been an issue for me always. even as a little girl i always knew i could never get what i want. i got older kids toys and clothes. or stuff from second hand shops or donations... i felt i was never good enough to get something better. and that's how i feel even now... i can't afford anything that i feel i deserve.
coming to my current situation. i left my country and live in UK now with my partner (been together for 2 years). We came here to find better jobs and a new beginning. but nothing goes as i would like to. I am feeling suicidal and i almost would've done it yesterday, but i didn't. my partner talked me out of it and promised that things will change. i have been to several doctors, taken antidepressants, been to some therapy, but no-one has made me feel normal. month or two ago we decided to start to try for a baby, so i quit my antidepressants, without telling my doctor. cold turkey. and obviously i am not managing well... i cried last night for hours, i yelled at my partner... i just can't deal with myself anymore. i am not able to handle the situation and that scares me. Since we recently moved i had to change my GP and well the new GP is totally useless. I went to see him and told him i quit the pill because i want to have a baby and asked what medicine could i take if trying for a baby. and i also mentioned that these pills i used to take, didn't make me better. but he just totally ignored me and just prescribed me the same pills. i ignored him and i am not taking those pills. I don't want to be addicted anymore. i have done it already.
anyway i bought st johns wort today and hope that it will help. i don't know what else to do anymore, how to cope with anger, suicide thoughts, crying, depression.... i need help but no-one who i have talked (my family and a friend), they haven't done anything to help. they just listened and that's it, they forgot about it.... can anyone help me?