So, I met this girl and...she may like me. I talked to her last night a bit and things seemed to be going well.

But then, when the conversation was over. I had a panic attack. Like, she told me she wanted to get to know me better. And After the conversation I thought about these words and I began to panic.

Right now I am on a Leave of Absence from school due to depression.

I volunteer 3 hours a week at a deaf center.

Other than that I dont get out much.

I just imagined telling her that and immiediately felt like a worthless piece of ****. Like, if I tell her this, that she'll see what a pathetic loser I am.

I hate love. Maybe this is why it scares me so much. Deep down inside I feel like i am so messed up and that love brings this messed up part of me, which i usually keep hidden, to the fore.

The messed up part of me that is depressed.
The messed up part of me that is on meds.
The messed up part of me that feels I will not go anywhere in life.
The destructive messed up part of me that wishes I didn't exist.
The messed up part of me that doesnt know what I want from life.
The messed up part of me that is stagnant, but I usually try to keep hidden.

I just kept thinking last night...

one day of stagnancy turns into two.

Two turns into a week.

a week turns into a month.

a month into a year.

a year into a life time.

And I felt horrible.

Catastrophic Thinking for the win. -_-

*sigh*

Everyone tells you that you need to work on yourself before you can date. Something tells me that we all just want to be accepted: foibles and all.