Thank you, everyone. Today was a little better but *CHAOTIC* at work! The past few days I've had more strong thoughts about doing the "P" word. Um, that's purging by my T's terms. I really want to. I did twice yesterday, just small amounts, but it was easy. I am "gifted" that it seems to come so natural to me. I am sure that my eating habits are changing again. Honestly, I know that I could use more help with everything. If its in or outpatient, or some other more structured life. But I am afraid.

The past month or so, or longer, has been so crazy. Just the past few weeks I had $600 in car repairs--a whole paycheck. Plus all these other bills and problems and stresses. In the past two months I lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks, gained 10 or so back, and now I am going to lose again--if I haven't started already. I want to see bone, I want to cut, I want to purge, I want to OD on drugs that will put me into another reality. I have too much time to think. Thinking is bad. Thinking makes me think about doing things that I like to do.

I love my T. He had such a sad, puppy dog look on his face when talkign to me about maybe a hospital. I was there Monday night and won't see him again until next Monday. That's too long.