I have not posted in the depression forum for quite awhile but here I am again depressed and feeling the all too familiar feelings of why do I keep trying, what is there for me, is this as good as it gets?

I posted a couple of posts about my depression and avoiding the pain by sleeping for long hours in the PTSD forum but either nobody much read my posts or nobody cares. Or both. I am not asking you to care. I would never dare to ask somebody to feel something that is not sincere.

I don't know much what happens from here. I have been increasing my meds so I can sleep longer without having to awaken. For the past couple of weeks I have been having nightmares about guns and being assaulted and shootings and stuff and this week I increased my dose of xanax and added a Lortab each night. Some nights I have taken temazepam which I had quit taking several months ago because I think it is too strong for me and may be what has caused my aphasia but right now I don't care. I just want to be unconscious. I not anywhere near overdosing the amounts just taking the maximum dosages I was prescribed. If really wanted to OD I would add alcohol but I don't want to cause my death (yet) though it wouldn't be such a terrible thing if I never woke up, would it?

I sent emails to my pdoc last week and again today. I know he is busy. Not really sure what he can do anyway but wish he could help me bear this burden.