I think I broke the chain today.

My ex called me this morning, and we talked. I made amends for alot of my behavior during the last week we dated. I admitted to my faults, which were mainly that I am cruel and sarcastic. I mean, I can push some buttons!

My ex made alot of arguments and criticisms of me, and I agreed with all of them. This was so unusual for me, he did not know what to say. It was hard to have a fight with someone so agreeable.

Again, I felt we got some closure from it. He asked to come over, I said I did not think that would be healthy for either of us. I said I don't want to backslide. These last 3 weeks of withdrawal have been soooooo difficult. And I am clear-headed now. Calm. Rational. And finally able to breathe through my triggers and count to ten.

I did have to hold the phone away from ear when he started to rant or cuss or lose control and get angry and delusional. After a minute, he would say Hello? And I would say, I am sorry I had to take the phone away from my ear because you were cussing, or yelling, etc.

And then he would stop! And try to calm down. It was amazing. When I was able to be calm, he was able to be calm. I am seriously thinking we might both be borderlines and he might just be PTSD, and not psychotic? But, I should leave the guesswork up to others, and although I suggested therapy to my ex today, he just said, "Talking about it doesn't help."

And went on a anti-psychology rant, that concluded with the fact that I analyze him and act cold and superior. Which I do. And it is awful. SO, then I had to apologize for that. My intellect is my only coping skill. It is my pride. And my arrogance. So, this is true.

But, my intellect also got me to this site. Got me to type my way out of a dead end addictive, abusive relationship. I abused him emotionally, and he came right back at me. We triggered the heck out of each other. And we love each other very very much. The feelings are intense. But, I can feel those feelings losing their intensity.

Every time I tan, I jog, I make a protein shake. I feel my self-esteem go up two points, and my addictive need to call my ex go down two points. Every time I call a friend, which is really really hard for me, I grow a little stronger. Every meeting I make, whether I just hide in the corner and leave right after, I am making progress.

I can see a change. I can feel something is different deep inside me. I still love him, but...it feels different, kinder, less needy. That desperate need is gone. I feel compassion, a certain loving kindness for him. I know that he is suffering and I am the cause, and I feel sad for him. I think if I love him, I will not text him or call him to trigger him again. I feel that I will not need to. I feel a love for myself. I feel a strength inside me.

I hope this recovery is permanent. I know my mood cycles swing. But, I think I have turned a corner to this withdrawal from my ex. He is not first on my mind in the morning. I am not constantly checking the phone. I feel good.

So, I hope to close this thread out soon. Yay! The more I whine about myself, the less time I have to help others. Thanks for all the love. I needed it.