If I had cancer, would I feel bad that I wasn't able to have sex with my husband?
If I had arthritis and couldn't perform, would he leave me?
If I had to be hospitalized, would he find someone else to fill that void?

I don't believe the answer to any of those questions is “yes,” so, why do I feel so terrible when my brain finds the idea of sex (in general, not just with HIM), to be so abhorrent that I'd much rather jump off a cliff? I'm ill, why can't I accept that it's just as real as cancer, or arthritis, or an extended separation? I feel like I'm letting him down, that I'm renegging on a part of my marriage vow. I feel like he must hate me, must be looking elsewhere. We “joke” about having an open marriage so he can get what he needs – but in truth the jokes cut like a knife. I don't let on though – most of the time. The intimacy I need and the intimacy he needs are so vastly different. We talked a little last night – he said something to the effect of when he was growing up there were dozens of women he'd see and think “man I'd like to screw her!!” For me it was lots of men I'd see and think “wow, a long hug from him would be fantastic.” Sex has never, ever been high on my priority list. It's never even been LOW on my priority list. It mostly isn't there. And it's not meds related because it's ALWAYS been this way. I just hate so much the thought of not fulfilling one of my husband's greatest needs. I live in dread that he's going to leave me, mostly over this issue. At the same time I don't believe it ever would happen, he's far too committed to his own vows. I think, I hope, I pray. But I don't know what to do