My parents took my brother to university, which means they've left me with my other brother and sister until Wednesday. I get to drive them around, get them ready for school, fight with them about eating foods my mom makes for them all the time, and somehow keep track of their various extra curricular activities, of which there are MANY.



I need to go back to school. I hate that my school starts so much later than it does here. All of my friends have left to go back and I have almost three weeks to go. In the meantime I get to listen to my parents nag me about grad school applications that aren't due until December (they think I don't have a handle on any of this stuff even though I know how I work and I know exactly what needs to be done, when, and where it all needs to be sent) all while telling me that the path I'm choosing for myself (a master of fine arts in creative writing) is not a very lucrative one and I'm probably going to wind up wasting three years of my life. Never mind that I've wanted to do this for the past three years and I've only held out through my undergraduate degree -- which I hate -- exclusively so I could do this. Never mind that dreaming about this degree is sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning and motivates me to do ANYTHING. Never mind that I'm so stressed and depressed most of the time that the fact that I'm looking ahead to ANYTHING is an extremely positive step for me.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I was crying so hard my entire bed was shaking and I woke up with a pounding headache this morning that lasted all day. My parents think I'm lazy, irresponsible, disorganized. All while I've been chasing THEIR kids around since Saturday, while I'm the one who has been taking my grandmother to do her shopping and doctor's appointments and banking ALL SUMMER LONG. I know they take me for granted. I work my butt off for this family and I never get so much as a thank you. I can't remember the last time my parents told me they were proud of me; I'm pretty sure they're just sick of me and want to be finished with paying my tuition and having me live with them. They always make me feel like I OWE them -- owe them for paying my international tuition (which is huge), owe them for letting me stay under their roof when I come home for breaks, heck, they probably think I owe them for raising me. I'm not sure I want to live at home next summer, even though I probably can't afford to do otherwise. Every time I come home, it's always the same. While I'm away I get homesick and convince myself this is where I want to be, but the second I walk through the door my life no longer belongs to ME and I'm a total failure and I'm only worth anything if I'm doing something for someone else.

I have to be up at 6am to get my brother and sister ready for school before I go to work. It's 1:40am now, and I can't sleep. I'm going to be exhausted in the morning but I'm so stressed and angry and depressed that I know sleep just isn't going to happen for me.