
Sep 07, 2010, 12:54 AM
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Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: So Cal
Posts: 3,342
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Oy!!!! 
I feel like any minute know that smoke will be pouring out of my ears and my brain will short circuit!!
There's sooooo much going on in my world. I could probably post this to at least three other forums.....
I lost my job three weeks ago....been applying ever since, have one interview, out of state, on Friday. Have to fly. I like flying....but I hate crashing....and I have dreams of plane crashes which doesn't help the fear of falling out of the sky and slamming into the ground.
Staying with family in California. Some of them old abusers. Feeling ready for it, but still scared. What if they try and yell at me. What if all the work I've done in T just disappears as soon as I see them and I start to get sucked back in to their dysfunction?
Been denied unemployment and food stamps. Requested a re-eval and waiting on the word. No $$ coming in. Can't pay rent....can't pay utilities....can't pay anything. What if I don't get the job? I'll be evicted? I won't survive the street and I won't survive without my animals.
My friend said I could stay with her. She gets subsidized housing through her own mental health program and even though she is a great friend....it's not the best environment for me to be in. Her friends do drugs and have frequent run ins with the law. But it's a roof. A short term fix to a long term problem?
No medical insurance....and running out of meds. Can't afford to buy them at full price. 
No stability right now for my future. Hoping and praying I nail this interview. I WANT the job and I definitely NEED the job. If I get an offer.....then there will be stability. I will be able to afford the roof over my head, food for my cupboards, care for my animals, I'll get medical benefits. Things will be better....even though I'll have to move out of state. I am willing.
Just a long rant. I don't have the words to describe the internal angst and anxiety I feel. My anxiety exists on multiple levels right now. The flying, the potential homelessness, the job interview, the lack of meds, the potential therapist change, the potential move to a place I've never lived before, a potential new job, the family issues. It really feels like too much right now.
I really would like a Lorazepam milkshake and a side of fries.
And maybe a Vodka chaser!!??!!
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