i think about it over and over, and the more i see no answer, there is a change in me, but its not good, i still feel there is no solution to the problem, and i feel myself growing futher about from people...i want to alienate myself, from everything and everybody, i see no happiness for me, the people around me, don't offer me anything, but they are all wrapped up in my life...how in the hell, do people do this, they need to let me alone to live my life, which to say is crap anyway, you know all this time is gone, i really don't see reasons for carrying on for what, it is a horrible feeling to keep wanting and needing, but in reality for me it will never happen...i really am stupid and simple...this is never going to happen for me, why bother any more...i am the fool and shall always be this fool...you know i really don't want to go on...too old ..too tired...nobody really will come into my life...this is not going to happen as much as i do this or join this...i've been down this road for so long now, that this path is only going to end in more fustration and lonliness...here i go another day putting on a happy face, when inside my whole live is crumbling...i really don't care what happens any more, i have no nerves left...just an empty shell, is a shame really, because i do know that i have a big heart to give someone, if they would just look inside...but i really won't find anyone like me..who am i kidding with all thi hoping and wishing for something to happen, it won't...