So, I must confess on myself.

Yesterday, same cycle. I got off work, and got the urge to call my ex.
So, I called a friend and told on myself. Got some support. "Don't call him!"
Went jogging. Went swimming. Got dressed. And got in the car to run errands.
And, I got this surge of righteous female energy, as I was jogging I kept chanting,
"Nobody owns me," to push my run. And, I want my key back!

To me, in lieu of wedding rings, giving back the key is a huge symbolic act.
It means that you are literally letting go of that relationship.
And he would not give me back my key.

So, jumped up from my run, centered in my power, I felt this kind of ownership.
It is my life. I want it back. I own me. So, I called him and got him on the phone
and let him rant on again about all of my defects until I got to his door.

And he let me in. I was neutral, and agreeable, and friendly.
And we chatted for five minutes, and he ran out of steam.
So, then he said, "What do you want?"
And I said, "I want my key back."

And he lied and said again that he had thrown it away.
And his keys were sitting on the coffee table, so I picked them up
and checked the teeth on his keys to mine, and lo and behold,
found my key.

He went to grab it, but stopped and restrained himself.
And I took it back.
And left.

My legs were literally shaking. I knew this was partly from the run and
Partly from the fear. And I said, "Now you see, that is closure."
And he said "Bye." and turned his back and stared out the window.

And I went to my car and ran my errands and did not check my phone.
Ownership is a scary thing. It is a good thing.
I don't know why whenever I get into a relationship, I give it away.
I don't know why it is so hard to take it back.

But, I noticed all day as I walked through it, I had my chin held high.
And met people in the eye, which is very unusual for an
Avoidant personality type like me.

Last night, I came home after my meeting and coffee with friends
And guess who was pulling out of my apartment complex?
My ex. He said he had my Buddhism book and wanted to give it to me.
I wondered why he had not just left it at my door.

But I knew why. He was doing a "drive-by".
To see if I was home or out. To see if he saw my car.
And I knew then his mind would tell him, that is why she wants the key back.
She is dating someone else. Forget her. Et cetera.

And he was embarrassed, like he had been caught with his pants down.
But, I was okay. Friendly. Neutral. Agreeable. Rational. Not triggered.
Okay, a little excited. Happy to see him. I was actually overwhelmed by
How happy I was to see him, and how much I wanted to invite him in.

But, thankfully, he backtracked. Bigtime. And said he had a friend in the ER
whom we both know and we were able to chat about that instead.
He gave me my book and left.

And I thought, this is how divorced people must feel when they drop off the kids.
That old tugging at the heartstrings, that almost innate response to
Want to hug and hold that person as soon as you see them.

You have got to love that limbic system.
And then the cortex kicks in, and rational thought takes over again.
And I went home. Did not check my phone. (okay once.)
Did not text or call. (wanted to.)

I did call and leave a message this morning about our friend in the hospital.
(A little backslide.) Progress not perfection.

So, here I am telling on myself again.
I have been thinking about my borderline as if it were cancer.
And I am in remission. On a daily basis I have to work to keep it that way.
Whew. I will be glad when this thread is done.

Thanks for listening.