I just turned 23 and finished a year long volunteer program. I lived with Catholic nuns and two other volunteers my age, for a year during the program and worked at a homeless shelter during that time. It was great. Well, the year came to a close. I got hired by the homeless shelter and now work full time for $. I moved out of the convent because it was undergoing a lot of transitions with the residing community (I'm not a nun nor planning on becoming one). I moved in with a friend from work who happens to be the Executive Director of my job...so...my bosses boss. She is in her 40s and lives alone. I'm temporarily residing in her guest room until I save enough money for my own apartment.

For some reason I thought it might be helpful for me to sum up my "issues" even if no one reads this.

1) I lost my grandmother in January, while I have grieved properly and coped with her death in a healthy manner....there was a huge family fallout which occured because of the circumstances of her death. Basically my parents are the only family members who talk to me because my mothers whole side of the family has turned against me due to the circumstances. I never dealt with this severing of family ties in a healthy manner and that is catching up with me.

2) I haven't seen my parents since Easter due to financial difficulties as well as transportation issues. I'm an only child.

3) When the volunteer program ended I had to turn in the vehicle I was borrowing for the year. My social circle suddenly dissappeared because I couldn't get around as well as I used to when I had the car.

4) Last August I began a diet/exercise program and I lost 20lbs in a healthy way...by this August I have gained it all back.

5) I found out I have an incurable/rare disease (1% of the population has it, it is called Hidradenitis Suppurativa or Acne Inverssa) which causes cysts and lesions to form on various parts of my body. The leading treatment to alleivate symptoms is weight loss. Hah.

6) I love my job but for the past two weeks I lack total motivation to do anything but sit and wait for 5:30pm. I'm tired all the time. I wake up and count the hours to when I can go back to sleep again.

7) I'm deathy afraid of never finding my "souls counterpart" even though I'm still very young and "have my whole life ahead of me." Yet I also set myself up for failure in this department because I have set high standards. Basically I refuse to date anyone unless I like them first to spare their feelings if it doesn't work out. By this unreasonable standard...I have avoided dating guys and on the rare occasion I do go out, I search for major flaws that would "prevent it from working out." Thus, I'm setting myself up for never finding my "souls counterpart" making my fear a reality.

8) I have horrible self-esteem and low self body image due to the weight gain. I also have PCOS which makes it difficult to lose weight. So a condition that makes it difficult to lose weight, lack of motivation, and general fatigue, and stress eating pretty much set me on the fast track for prolonged obesity. That makes me hate myself.

9) I'm resistent to therapy because on the surface I look like I've got it made. I'm living rent free with an understanding "coworker" while I get ready to be on my own. I have an amazing job and one or two good friends. My parents have been married for 26 years and I was never subject to any kind of abuse or trauma. Due to my lack of transportation....it is virtually impossible for me to go to therapy without people finding out. Its none of their business but I have also worried what others think about me.

10) My spirituality is down the tubes. I have no clue where God is in my life. I've resorted to borderline risky behavior such as getting a bit too drunk....contemplating coupling drinking with anti-anxiety pills for a numbing effect and not considering the potential disasterous outcomes of my reckless decisions (like walking home 10 blocks alone at 2am after a night of drinking....)

I need help. I finally admitted to myself that I'm depressed...like actually depressed. I understand that I can't just submit to my health problems and depression when I'm on the brink of the most important transition of my life....to being on my own. Its like I can pinpoint the triggers/issues that need to be addressed but I have no desire to make changes and get better.

*sigh*