Kitty,

Let me quickly state my thoughts on divorce. Maybe my kids can sense my unhappiness . . . I don't know. I do my best to model for them what a parent and spouse should act like. They deserve this.

Before things really got bad in my marriage I sought out a men's group. It turned out to be a divorce support group, although they didn't call it that. I was the only one in our group of ten that wasn't divorced. I left after each session shaken by the horrific stories of what the divorces did to their children. From the children clinging to their legs as they dropped their children back off at mom's after their "weekend" to the utter heartbreak of slowly watching their ex poison their children against them. One member I never met did kill himself over this heart-break.

While I am not happy, we are not destroying our children emotionally on a daily basis. As now the pretty much sole source of my emotional happiness, I feel my kids are basking in alot of "daddy love". In fact, since my wife claims that the stress of child rearing is one of the main reasons she's so angry and non-affectionate and non-sexual, I routinely take my kids swimming or for ice cream or to the library or to the movies so as to give my wife alot of alone time - which she spends shopping or looking at the next wallpaper pattern or tile or paint for the next "big project".

Emotionally devastating my children so I can be available to maybe form a loving relationship with a woman someday is not a "good" deal. They are innocent. They deserve their dad everyday.

My affair was wrong and my friend and I ended the sexual part. Since then, a nice lunch with her made me a super happy guy and that flowed through the rest of my day and evening at home. It helped with the occasional rage and I was even better at smiling and pretending to show interest as my wife showed me yet another shade of blue for the dining room that we painted just last year. Why is that so bad? With or without that lunch, the rage was still gonna come, and I was still gonna be showed another set of color swatches. The lunch, the friendship, gave me something to stand on, and to get through the day on.

I pray everyday that my wife realizes that her approach to life and love will only lead to devastation. And that she seeks out the help to allow her to one day become my partner again. At this moment in time, I'm not hopeful. But who knows.

The idea of having a good, good friend around while she (and of course, I) perhaps sorts through this pain (and that'll probably be an UGLY process - hence, her resistence up till now) just seems like a real good idea. I would have liked it to be this person.

If I can say one other thing to Poseygurl, I think your situation and mine have many similarities, but some key differences.

While you and your husband had some emotional problems, you both were seeking comfort in another person. And I mourn that for some communications you guys might have been able to have found that in each other.

If your husband had asked you what you needed in order to feel the love you needed to be loving back to him . . . . .would you have responded "more money"? I can tell by reading your post, that you would not.

See that's one difference. Another is that I have asked - where as maybe your husband never did. She knows of my unhappiness and I asked about how I was failing her as a husband and father for her to withdraw from our marriage so emotionally? I asked her what could I do. She told me to make more money.

(Just so we all know . . .I actually can acknowledge her need for financial support . . . .within reason. I earn around $100,000 a year. That SHOULD be enough!)

Did your husband ask you? Did you ask your husband?

I want my marriage to improve and from my wife to be my emotional support. Doesn't seem like she wants to do that right now. I have very young children. I will not leave.

In the meantime, could a loving friendship help me through the next 16 years? I thought it could. What do you guys think?

MMF