i went to my family doctors office today,,they have some temporary docs until they can find a permanent replacement for him(since he died)...i just kinda wanted to put in my chart what i was doing i guess(going to mental health,,getting diagnoses and being further tested for personality disorders)..talking to the doc she told me i was very brave to take these steps to help myself..she questioned alot about suicide(i could never leave my children feeling horrible because i did that, so i could/would not ) and some about my worries..she also gave me something to calm the anxiety for now until after i see the psychiatrist again.....my problem is now i feel even worse(havent taken any med yet so not that) i feel like a failure,,i feel like i put myself under a microscope with a big spot light shining on it...i also feel that people (or docs)will make assumptions about me...now i feel like if i take too long to do the work they will be watching and saying "if that girl dont go back to work and learn to trust her child with someone then she must be not able to hold it together" or "she must parent terribly"....i could have not done anything , just stayed unhappy and anxious and nobody would ever question my sanity because my children are healthy and taken care of....i feel like maybe this is the wrong decision and i should back out and hold off until at least the baby is a little older...i dont know,,i just wanted to be able to be happy and now i have all this stuff coming out that i always kept hidden,,like the abuse i suffered,,and how insecure i really am inside,,i cant stop the memories and i have a hard time keeping positive...i feel selfish and stupid and i have no support except on here and i dont even know any of you........could someone please give me a little advice on why/how i should keep strong...im having a hard time concentrating and i dont have the time to read a million motivational articals,,maybe i just need a real hug...