granite, I know we aren't the only 2 who have Ts gone this week and next. In some way it makes me feel better, misery loves company maybe?

Anyway, we will get through it together, ok? The 20th will be here before we know it. I hope.

Ok, to answer your question...starting to tell the story was hard. HARD. Really hard. We talked for a few sessions about the fact that I was going to start telling before I actually started. I remember feeling like I HAD to tell, wepow likes to compare it to childbirth, when it's time it's TIME.

But oh, it was hard. The first session it took me a looooong time to just say the words "it was in the park" and that is ALL I SAID. I dissociated and we spent the rest of the time that was left just trying to get me grounded.

Then, the next week or a few weeks later (I'm not clear on the timing, it's all kind of a blur when I look back), T basically walked me through it with her asking questions and me answering. Mostly yes or no questions. I just nodded or shook my head most of the time. It was a way for her to get an idea of what we were dealing with, a road map or rough outline.

So that was the first time of going through the whole thing with anyone, EVER, but it wasn't really me telling the story. It was a good foot in the door, though. Ever since then, and that was last fall or winter probably, we've just been sort of slogging through the story in detail. As much detail as possible. Enough detail that it's extremely uncomfortable for me. Enough detail to bring up the huge feelings and the huge anxiety and the memories and everything, so that I can see how the feelings come and the feelings go and I'm still there, safe, in Ts office.

It's exposure therapy, basically. It's exposing me to the source of the anxiety, the source of the pain, enough times for me to learn that the feelings will come but they will go. And since I never emotionally processed the trauma at the time, I have to feel it now. I have to and it's difficult and painful and excruciating at times, but it's the way to healing. It's maybe not the ONLY way, but it's the road I'm on and the way my T does it and I trust her and so I'm doing it.

And it's working, it IS working. Even now, today, when I'm so raw from another difficult session, I can see and feel it working. I'm getting better. I'm maybe better now than I have ever been.