Thanks guys - and thanks sunrise for checking on me I do think that with this T search, I am trying to make good care management choices and plan for the future. But... even good coping strategies can be used to avoid feelings. Thing is, I don't even feel the pain of T leaving at all anymore. The thought doesn't even bother me because it's just like, "Oh, no worries, because I am going to do X and then X and then X and then everything is all better and I won't even need T anymore." But now T wants to talk about the termination and what it's bringing up for me (because obviously it was too much to cope with not too long ago), and I couldn't really even talk about it because I don't even feel it anymore. It feels like nothing. Like a mouthful of lukewarm water. You know?

I AM really annoyed though and kind of crawling out of my SKIN because this other T still hasn't written me back! I definitely feel that! I keep just playing games on my computer and my phone and checking my email every few minutes, and that's been my whole night. I am skipping choir practice tonight because I was too depressed to practice this week. I feel really bad but.. I just don't feel like doing anything. I want to drop out of choir, but I know I'll regret it because I love to sing and I'll miss it.

Oh

I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing, but then I keep feeling guilty for doing nothing... guilty for not practicing... guilty for how much of a disgusting wreck my apartment is.. guilty for not trying harder at work..

I guess I'm not doing too well, huh.