(((((( Rainbow ))))) the only way I understood your emotions is because you opened your heart here on PC and showed them to us. You are so much braver than you realize. Honestly, it takes courage to do what you are doing with therapy and with group therapy here on PC ((my T said this COUNTS as time spent in group therapy)).

Keep going deeply into this emotion you have around all this. There is something big that you are on the verge of "getting" at a deep level. A huge part of therapy is to give voice to emotion.

Everything you are feeling is valid and there is a reason you feel what you do. And your heart knows the reasons - even though your heart doesn't yet have the words to show you what those reasons are. That is one reason why your T is allowing you to hold her hand. She is trying to help you get in touch with these deep emotions.

T is not going to harm you.... not on purpose. And being able to know mentally that T is T and not that missing special bit... well that is going to keep you safe as you go into this. It does not feel like it today, and you are going to push away emotionally. That is a part of this. Allow yourself to feel that pain and stabbing sensation that is happening. It is natural.

I can kinda relate because a big part of my anguish inside is that I never got the healthy relationship with my father. I thought I had it... but the abuse caused me to loose that part of being a child. I never had the father a child deserves to have... one that does not hurt the child. One that protects the child.

So throughout this past year as I am doing my trauma work, I had a deep and strong inner NEED to have a daddy. To have my daddy. But that can't happen for me - ever. And that knowing... it is a death. It is a very deep loss. But before I could fully process it, I had to have a daddy to be there for me. A catch 22 really.

So I use my T as my daddy right now. He knows by being a T exactly what I am doing. I know it is transference as well. But right now, I would die without that need being met. It is that simple. I have to do this transference so I can live and process all this grief and pain and get through it.

And I know that I will not have my T with me in this role for long term. It is really like growing up. A father has to teach the child how to do things for herself. A father has to take his hands off the back of the bike so the child will learn how to ride. Sometimes the child falls down. But the child does learn. And the day will come when the child can take off riding to school or down to a friend's house without the dad around. That is what a daddy does - teach the child how to grow up and not need daddy.

T is teaching me how to be my own daddy. Teaching me how to protect my inner child and be able to be a healthy adult and get my inner needs met in a healthy way.

That is what T is doing for you right now. More big hugs to you!