WePow, thank you again. I keep rereading what you wrote. I feel the same way you do but I don't know for whom it's for--my Mom or Dad. It's frustrating for me not to know, but I suppose it doesn't matter, though it always bothers me. I feel like my mother didn't make me feel safe because of her anxiety; it's not that love was missing. My father was there, but more in the background. But he loved me too.
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Everything you are feeling is valid and there is a reason you feel what you do. And your heart knows the reasons - even though your heart doesn't yet have the words to show you what those reasons are. That is one reason why your T is allowing you to hold her hand. She is trying to help you get in touch with these deep emotions.
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I often feel like I was crying in the incubator and no one came to pick me up. That's just a guess. My need to be held (which doesn't get met) is so strong, at least in fantasies. I feel safe when T holds my hand.
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So I use my T as my daddy right now. He knows by being a T exactly what I am doing. I know it is transference as well. But right now, I would die without that need being met. It is that simple. I have to do this transference so I can live and process all this grief and pain and get through it.
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I relate to that. I don't know what I'm processing but I feel like I'll die without the need being met, too. I'm glad you have such a good T to be your "Daddy" now.
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Allow yourself to feel that pain and stabbing sensation that is happening. It is natural.
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That's exactly what it feels like to me. Pain and stabbing sensation. Especially when I realize that T is not the person I want. If it's preverbal for me, it makes sense that I don't understand it; I just feel it.
I admire you for what you're doing in therapy, WePow. You're such an inspiration to me. Thank you.
