Rainbow,

Even though you are feeling so bad, the truth is that you are deep into the therapy work. You are feeling the deep longings that have been inside you for all these years. You are not pushing them away by staying in your head intellectualizing things, or by talking so much that you don't allow yourself to feel your emotions. You are facing and feeling them.

I know it feels bad, really bad, but it's HUGE. It's like coming unthawed when you've been frozen all your life. All the defenses you've built up to keep the pain away (obsessing is probably one of them) -- once those defenses are broken down -- the real feelings start to come through. That's what you need to work with in therapy, those deep emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

It is scary, so scary, I know. But you are being so brave and doing it! I could tell that this time when you started therapy with your t, you were determined to get to the root of your problems and work through them. I still this starting to happen.

I understand (oh so well) the pain of acknowledging that your t can't be a mom to you. She is giving you some good nurtured feelings, but at the same time, she is not allowing you to focus solely on feeling good, or a fantasy of her being a perfect mother. She's giving you the sustenance and comfort and presence that you need to face your issues. No, it's not the same as her being your mom. But she's still giving to you in a very human, very real way. The purpose of what she does (hand holding, etc.) may be for your ultimate healing, but it still comes from a place of caring and a desire to help you grow and heal. That's kind of mom-like, even though she can't literally be your mom. Maybe you can take some comfort in knowing that.