Thanks Lynn, Blueoctober, and Payne1 I know it's not the way. Part of me wants to do it to punish those around me that have abused me, but then they win. I just feel really helpless right now. I do have T that I can call. Some of this is because of ending therapy, to much pressure to be who I should be, friend that has cancer on top of that...just to much garabage and bad feelings. I want them to just end or go away for awhile. The pills and alcohol only work for awhile. Then I need more. I'm so lost and confused right now.