But I don't want to feel it. It hurts. It makes me feel a little crazy. It makes me feel out of control. *****trigger for SI***** Ironic thing is, we were going to talk today about my SI and all that. Of course, what do I want to do now?? Do something that hurts on the outside. I don't like this hurting on the inside. I've always been able to "stuff" all my feelings way down deep and just ignore them. Regular feelings, the feelings about the CSA - everything. But now, that just doesn't work anymore. I don't want to feel it. I'm not strong enough.