Sleeps, past odds don't always reflect future performance.

It is depression making you feel this way. You don't know what people think of you after they leave your presence, depression makes you assume the worst.

But I'm not sure I'm the best to be speaking on this... because in regard to the "doing things but not getting anything in return" I speak of this often and it is how I feel both in and out of depression. Within depression it makes that fact hurt much much more. But it saddens me even when I am feeling well.

When I am well I realize that my friends love me and care about me... but they all have a "number 1" in their lives that they go above and beyond for, and that's about their limit. Somehow you and I never managed to become "number 1" on anyone's list while we were out treating people like our own number 1. In my case I blame myself for not pursuing my life a little more practically in the past and looking our for myself more. These days at times I am in bed or watching TV and just wishing really really hard that I had someone here to cuddle me and hold me, or let me hold them... there is no one in my life like that. Let alone someone I can rely on to help me out with possibly loosing my house, lack of transportation, etc. Even friends I have loaned large sums of money to (who were supposed to pay me back ages ago) can't come through for me now. If two people who owed me money could pay me back in full (probably an impractical hope) I would be well well out of this financial hole I am in.