why does my life have to be unraveling right when my T is going to be gone for so long? It's like some cosmic joke, but not funny.

I just talked to her and she told me so many loving things, nurturing things. To be gentle with myself, to allow myself to feel the pain, to let it wash over me, and that if I do that it won't feel this bad the next time. I told her I'm going to remember that she said that.

I told her I want her to just make it go away, and I know she can't. She said she would if she could, but what she's teaching me, the work she's doing with me, is the only way she knows of alleviating my pain.

She said I am my own mother, and I always was. So I can find the love and nurturing and strength inside of me, where it has always been. That yes, of course it hurts that my mother doesn't love me and doesn't believe me, but that's about HER and not about ME.

T said that yes, it's going to feel like my heart's being ripped out, and allow it to feel like my heart's being ripped out. Yes, it's going to feel like my guts are being ripped out, and allow it to feel like my guts are being ripped out.

I told her that I left to go buy some razor blades, but I came home instead. I want so badly to do everything, anything, to stop feeling this way, but more than that I want to not feel this way in the future. If I give in now, I will feel ok, for a while, but it will come back harder later. I just keep breathing and trying to breathe into the pain and find that part deep inside me that is still okay.

I am going to miss my T so much, it almost takes my breath away thinking about it. I don't know why this is happening now, the timing is ridiculous, but it is what it is.

I just really wanted to say all that so I can come back here and read it in the days ahead. I'm sorry if I'm treating this board like my blog. I feel so alone and abandoned and I guess I want, need, to feel some connection, some where.

Mostly I'm sad, deep deep down where all the busy-ness and distraction in the world can't touch. I sometimes wonder if my core isn't just a never-ending well of sadness.