Hi.

Let me start off by saying that this isn't going to be like other threads. This is going to be a thread about someone who has managed to recover somewhat from ASPD.

I was diagnosed with conduct disorder when I was 9. It was a pretty severe case. I started several fires every day for months on end. I stole/bought cigarettes and sold them to other kids. I tortured small animals and terrorized neighborhood children. I stole literally anything I wanted. I even stole a car and destroyed it. It got so bad after a while every parent and older sibling wanted me as far away from their family as possible. At that age I was totally ready to stalk and kill anyone, for no reason at all. I even devised a plan where I would pretend to be a lost little boy, have an adult lower their guard, maybe even take me home with them, and then kill them and steal all their money. I was ready to watch the whole world consumed in flames, and everyone around me suffer unimaginable horror and pain.

I eventually got caught after setting a fire that almost consumed an apartment complex. I never admitted to the other crimes. After psychologically manipulating the police and several docs, I was finally diagnosed with conduct disorder. My doctor who was really experienced with the disorder saw right through me. Thus began the treatment that probably saved a future psychotic killer from developing.

After several years of cognitive behavioral therapy, which I likened to training a dog, I managed to learn how to control myself. Those years were painfully lonely, because my family was terrified and angry with me, and didn't want anything to do with me, and I was not allowed to socialize with other children. My doc said that I wouldn't have socialized with them normally, so he insisted that it wouldn't harm me. He was right though.

I eventually learned how to obey the law (which let to an almost obsessive adherence to the law; even now, I won't ever litter, jaywalk, or commit other petty crimes), and respect other people and their property. It was mostly due to my doc instilling the fear of God into me that I would go to jail and never be released.

However, I still have severe problems with empathy, sympathy, love, and compassion. I don't really experience anger or sadness either. I'm also bipolar, so I get depressive episodes, but it's mostly a feeling of having no motivation to get going or leave my house. I don't feel loneliness or detachment from the human race, despite having very few friends. Just to give you some examples of how cold I am: my mother broke her wrist a few years ago and was in horrific pain, and it provoked no emotional reaction whatsoever; I didn't feel anger, resentment, bitterness, fear, or joy; my father had a bad heart attack a few weeks ago and again, I felt nothing; and anytime one of my friends has had a personal tragedy, they all tell me that I only give them logical, "rational" responses, with no emotion behind them. I also don't flinch at all when I see horrific imagery.

All of my relationships ended the same way: my SO telling me that I was cold, unfeeling, unemotional, distant, and "out of touch" with the relationship. I never treated them badly, hit them, or emotionally manipulated them even though I can read people really well and be aware of their weaknesses.

I pretty much exist with no internal motivation; it's more like "forced socialization". I feel at times like i'm in a prison, and I have no choice but to cooperate with the authority of human civilization. However, I do not have any homicidal bloodlust or criminal impulse control problems. In fact, people tell me that i'm the straightest arrow they know. I never feel empty though. Just "there".