Unfortunately being on the best meds mix possibkle doesn't always prevent deep, suicidal, major Bipolar Depressions. When they happen to me it just has to be risk management done in conjunction with my therapist and psychdoc. It's not always right that the meds are wrong, it's just that the illnesses is overwhelming.

I can never wish to "go back to what I was before Bipolar" as I now know at 43 that I had Early Onset Mental Illness which occurred because of both genetics and an horrific upbringing - fully expressing all those genes. So, I have always been sick. And I also followed the inheretence of my family and am an alcoholic and I began blackout drinking at 14 and didn't stop for 18 years until I was 32 - 11 years sober now in AA. I know that the alcoholism was both about genetics, but was also a response to my environment and was "self medication".

And despite all that, yes, I want to be normal too. But the reality is that I have an illness that at this time in history and with what science has to offer me, I will have for the rest of my life, so I have to manage it the best way I can. My therapist and psychiatrist both tell me endlessly that I am very rigorous about my recover and trying to extend myself into life, I am 100% meds compliant, very proactive in therapy both in consults and in my wider life, as well as my AA and my spiritual journey, for what that's worth. So that's all I can do.