Well, the victory I had yesterday morning was short lived when my work manager refused to listen to my needs about work issues. He just goes ahead and makes massive changes that put more pressure on me when there was already too much. He is the boss, so I get that. But he lied. He told me he would work with me to make sure they didn't do this to me. Sounds selfish, I know. I thought of that all night. But I literally was paralyzed at work when he came into the room with the rest of us and announced the change and gave NO negotiation at all as to what I told him I could NOT handle. It was a slap in the face after all that I did for that company in the past. That is a pattern with that place and was one thing that led to my major breakdown.

Anyway, that is all blah blah blah. I had emailed my T while it was going on, but he never wrote back. So I figured he was busy. I then almost had a wreck going home (not any of my fault even though I was numb and had dissociating issues big time at work - I was being extra careful) but someone pulled infront of me and then stopped - he was trying to "swing" into a driveway but didn't realize someone was blocking the driveway. I BARELY was able to slam on the breaks and swerve over two lanes to not hit him. That set me off big time.

Anyway, I stopped by T's office but did not go in. Just sat there and tried to ground.
Then I made it home and wrote T....

I told him how upset I was and such - and he knew it was a very bad day - very very bad - but he had not replied to any email other than the first one in the early AM. So I said "You can call me if you want at xxx" He did not call. So I sent an email as I was going to bed. That email just told him thanks for all he did for me and hearing me. It was a goodbye email of sorts because I told him I didn't know what I was going to do with this ... that I want to LEAVE where I am. But I don't know where to go...

Anyway, he took it as a SU type email - which yeah, I wish I could! But I can't do that. So then he decided to email me and tell me I have a contract with him to call him if I am in SU mode. He said "Your previous e-mail did not ask for a callback."

.....

So last night that was going through my head because I went back and read the email where I did want him to call and saw I used that phrase "If you want to call me"
Man - another BIG MASSIVE HUGE mistake on my part! I wish my brain would have been thinking right when I wrote that - but I was doing great to be able to write at all. So now I totally GET IT emotionally with T. He did not want to call me when I was at my lowest. And I don't blame him. I would not have wanted to call me either.
But it cut me at a level that is too deep to process.

Now don't jump on me please saying it is my fault - I already jumped on myself last night over that and know it IS my fault. I know his rules and that is how therapy works. I was a total fool to even hope for a real human desire to help me when needed. Both of my other support people are gone this week and that only left T for this deep stuff. So, now I get it.

I woke up this AM and here I sit. I need to go ahead and go to work and just clean out my desk. Not that I am going to leave today or whatever, but if I have to just walk out, I want that done.

I have no idea about seeing my therapist next week. I know I will go if I am still in town and don't leave town for good. But if I don't have a job, I don't have insurance. So I will not be able to pay him. But since I see the truth now for what it is with that stuff, well maybe it has run its course and I just need to drop it anyway.

Not needing anything at this point outside of figuring out for myself how to get the energy I need to move my body from point to point. So running away and joining the circus is out of the question since I don't have the energy to run. LOL. Thank you for listening to me.