why won't I allow myself to get better?

why won't I give anything a chance to help me?

why don't I have trust in anything going right?

my abuser is living fully and so is his family who are mean selfish people

the first medication he tried worked for him, he is so stable and can fully care for and enjoy our kids

my ex's sister married into a noble family who treats her like a goddess while I married into hers where I was treated like a cockroach

and my family who are grand philanthropists and charity workers and the most unselfish and caring and kind people are all suffering through tons of hardships

I was a good person too- I always felt better if others did, I never envied, I preferred if others were happy first

Anyone that needed help, I would silently provide it

I took care of others while I myself was suffering

My parents spent all their life savings and sweating hard work earned money to helping others in the family and community rise above while they were depleted

I don't understand why they get to be peaceful and content while my family suffers endlessly with hardship after hardship?

Is the key to life being selfish, mean, evil, manipulative, abusive, intimidating, egoistic, non-compassionate, heartless, ruthless, bad people and only then good things happen to you?

I am so tough and harsh on myself

why won't I allow myself to be well?

why didn't any medication help me and cause me horrendous side effects?

I don't think I will ever be well

After two years and everything slapping you in the face, what else can you do except give in?