I am tired. SO tired of always being afraid. Of always being worried. Always assuming I am going to be hit, hurt, or damaged more. I am damaged goods. And I realize that more and more as my life progresses.. everything is always going to hurt or cause me hurt.

This is why I stay inside so much(notwithstanding that I always hurt physically). When you don't get involved with people, you can't get hurt right? Being happy is not worth the risk of being hurt again. And I always am - mostly because I can't have a functional adult relationship. I don't know how. I don't know if I am just too damaged to ever figure it out.

I brought up my past and told someone I trust the other night some of how bad it was. Now I can't stop thinking about it. Now it is running through my head. Especially the first really bad time( I was four, it was my father, and it was at gunpoint) and now I just keep seeing it and seeing it and seeing it. I feel it too when i see it. I can feel the pain just like it is the first time again. And then I make a complete *** of myself. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN!! When i avoid it I am less damaged and reacting not as badly. I can't even make it through a small argument with anyone without my brain going into panic mode. It doesn't matter what i know logically - emotionally my brain assumes I'm about to be hurt. IT doesn't matter that the person I told is the one person I would trust with my life. My emotions don't trust anyone.

I am in bad PTSD mode again. Its been ramped up every moment since I relived it in my head. Am i to have to relive every moment of it every time I think about it for the rest of my life? How is this a life. How do i be an adult? Why can't one person love me without having to be treated like they are about to hurt me? That is so unfair. And it means he wins. And she wins. And all the others - they win too. That is what he wanted(my father) for my life to be ruined forever. For me to always be looking over my shoulder and to always feel like everyone will always do that.

I have tried everything. I tried being an addict and escaping. I tried doing therapy, and meds. I tried being hospitalized. I tried focusing on having my own child. I tried avoiding it. I tried pretending. I tried focusing on it and healing. I don't know what is left to try. I don't know how to make people believe me and I don't understand why no-one does. I think people always think I must just be lazy and or stupid, because surely no-one forgets things as much as I do, surely no-one is always sore like me, surely no-one can be stuck in childhood as I am right.

I feel like I should just not get involved with people friendship wise or otherwise. That way I am not frustrating everyone around me. At least when I am alone I only frustrate myself.

I seem to ruin everything I touch. Why is that?

My self esteem is in tatters. I don't actually think I deserve to be loved. Obviously not because it will never happen. Maybe I am just meant to take this pain.

Why won't the thoughts stop. Why am I ALWAYS GUILTY for being damaged goods? Why do i feel like everything everything is my fault. And I can't ever say its because of my past because then I am blaming it on that and making excuses - ive been told that my whole life but it IS TRUE - I am a grown woman and making excuses for my stupid behavior and reactions.

I keep waiting for someone to love me despite my issues. It is never going to happen and I don't have enough strength to love myself all the time - just some of the time.

I wish that someone would come and hug me, and hold me, and hold my hand, and tell me that I am a good person even though i do stupid things. I wish someone would make me see the good in me because for now I have lost that ability.

I don't see the point in living a social life if i always think everyone is hurtful. And if I can't handle simple things.

I feel lost..