I faced some big anxiety-makers last night and went to a party. It was a surprise birthday party for one of the guys from the show, so I had just heard about it yesterday morning. Generally when I'm thinking about going to a party I like to be made aware of it at least a couple of days in advance... but I think that is because I want to have more time to talk myself out of going. Today within a few hours of being told about/invited to the party, I was committed to going and had already volunteered to drive one of my best friends, so I didn't have the time to think about it, or try to back out. And you know what? It actually went really well. A whole bunch of people that I knew were there, and when my friend and I left I realized that these aren't just people I know, they are my friends. But they've only become my friends because I've allowed myself to open up to all of them on a level that most people never get to see.
I don't know where my social anxiety comes from, but I know that it's kept me from going to pretty much every single college party that I've ever been invited to. Only in the last couple of months have I started going to these things. It's never been a problem of me not getting invited, I would just never go. But now I've started going out, and I really feel like I've been a big baby about the whole thing all this time. I actually had fun last night. I had fun at a party, like, what? That just seems so weird to me. I can't keep talking about this without getting rambly but hopefully that makes some kind of sense.
I feel like I have to be careful, though. I've had SI episodes in the past where I've been on a big emotional high, and I've injured to bring myself back down to earth. I think by recognizing that this is a trigger and mentioning it, though, is going to make it a lot easier to keep myself from giving in to the urge. I know there's no quick fix and it's a healing process and it takes a lot of time, and from what I've been reading in other people's posts, the urges never really go away one hundred percent, I still feel like I'm making good strides, or at least headed in the right direction.

Sannah: thanks so much for reading and for your continuing support.