It is odd because I wrote this reply last night and the server crashed - but I had copied the text and emailed it to myself to post today on PC :-) This is what I wrote last night, but I worked through a lot of it last night after I wrote this.
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Oceanwave, I am learning and growing. I am glad that he was honest with me. It allowed me to see the truth of how he sees me. It may hurt a great deal, but it is better to have tears in honesty than laughter in deceit.
I am putting together my plan to emotionally regulate myself. I see now how he sees me and am glad I can see the truth. There is a lot of emotional immaturity and inability to regulate my emotions. So I accept that. He brought out a lot of points about things and I know they are the truth. I knew it before he said it. He had been treating me with kid gloves before and I finally pushed him far enough where he took them off and told me what he saw. So I get that. He confirmed through all of this some of the things my friends along my path told me. I know they are things I need to work on. I was trying to do that and guess I just don't know how. And it takes a lot of work to learn how to be healthy.
So now I just have to figure out stuff for myself on the inside. It is good because I don't see through any more dumb rose colored glasses. I see how ugly some things are about my behavior. And that is fine. If I don't see them, I won't know to change them. It hurt to have such a clear mirror held up when I think all my life I just wanted one person to accept me for whoever I was and like me for that person. I suppose I was even willing to pay someone to like me. But that is false and I see that now.
So I will move forward and do what I have managed to do my entire life - find a way to rebuild my fortress but this time on a very conscious level. I want to no longer care what anyone thinks about me because that doesn't matter anyway. I want to be able to improve, but I want to do it my own way and I want to be who I want to be and not what others want me to be. I struggled too much my entire life to try to make my parents like me and my friends like me. Now I realize that I was selling myself out.
This might not make one bit of sense to anyone else, it hardly makes sense to me. But the bottom line is that it hurts to see the truth at times. And it hurts to not be able to live in my fantasy world of how I thought T saw me.
But that pain is at least authentic and not fake.
I get it. And that is OK. I give myself permission to feel all of this in MY way.
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Now - what I worked through since writing this:
I ended up last night crying a lot about this.
Then it hit me - I have seen through the "magic smoke and mirrors" that a T has to use in order to allow therapy to happen.

***** WARNING! DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE NOT SOLID WITH YOUR T - I don't want to have someone read this and have it take away from their own therapy at all. This is just my reality and perception. ***********



What I realized is that I was like a dog or a child standing outside on a large green field. I tease about going to see my T and tell my S/O that I am "Off to see the Wizard" when I go to session. But that really is what I have been doing.
T told me to trust him, so I did.
T put up the rules and he said I could use email to him - so I did.
T would not always be able to respond, and that was just fine.
I benefited from using email when I was going through the bad flashbacks - and it saved my life.

But here is the thing... the whole time it has been like being in this huge field and playing catch with my T. I thought we were in a safe and wide open space where I was free to share and get help when I needed it. And T created that illusion for me for healing. And it worked. But this week when I said in the email "If you want to call me" and then I wrote two hours later that I was going to bed and would call him in the AM if I was not OK... he wrote back at once and said "You did not ask for a callback" ... Well, that showed me that he did not WANT to call me back. That hurt. But it was also fair. I don't want to work with me most of the time. And I hate working on work when it is after hours. So I understand where he is coming from.
But what resulted was that my inner child saw that the smoke and mirrors of therapy were hiding a very solid brick wall that T has to keep around himself in order to do his job. He would burn out without that wall. When I see him in person, he opens a door for me and comes out to pass the ball. When I was sending emails, most of the time the balls were bouncing off the invisible wall and I just didn't realize what was going on. When I threw the ball hard enough, it found him and T would toss it back to me with something helpful. So it maintained the illusion that the relationship was still on the open grassy field. But this time by the way things worked out and what was said and not said, it drew attention to that hidden wall. It was the same feeling as when a child learns that Santa is really mom/dad.

My inner child felt lied to, betrayed, lost, confused, and not happy at all with the entire situation. It hurt like heck. And pain makes me want to run away. So I told T I wouldn't use email any more. And I planned on not even going to session again at all on Thursday night when I went to sleep, but I went Friday because he invited me to come see him.

Now I realize that I needed this to all happen. I did need the smoke and mirrors while I was going through the trauma healing. And I think that it was not all smoke and mirrors - I do feel the door to T was open for me during that time in many ways.
But now I am having to move forward and grow up my emotions. And that also hurts- big time growing pains. uggg.
I cried last night for hours over the loss of the illusion. But when I woke up this morning, I felt more like a teen inside than that small child I was when I first started seeing my T. If that makes any sense.
So as I write this, I feel I want to send this to T in an email.

But this time, it is different.
This time I feel like I am not doing it for attention or any desire at all for him to drop what he is doing to help me out.

It is no longer trying to toss a ball out to him to catch and throw back.
Instead, it is more like a note a teen might slip under the door of a teacher.
I could save this all until session, but the emotions are still too tender and I am still digesting all of this. So the fear is still there of telling the "parent" or authority figure my true emotions. So I will take the still immature way out and slip the note under the door - and then run like heck down the hall to hide and hope T never ever brings it up as long as I live! LOL!!

Growing up on the inside is a very funny thing to do as an adult. Thanks for listening :-)