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lynn09 · Sep 12, 2010, 12:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yoda

I have not posted in the depression forum for quite awhile but here I am again depressed and feeling the all too familiar feelings of why do I keep trying, what is there for me, is this as good as it gets?

I posted a couple of posts about my depression and avoiding the pain by sleeping for long hours in the PTSD forum but either nobody much read my posts or nobody cares. Or both. I am not asking you to care. I would never dare to ask somebody to feel something that is not sincere.

I don't know much what happens from here. I have been increasing my meds so I can sleep longer without having to awaken. For the past couple of weeks I have been having nightmares about guns and being assaulted and shootings and stuff and this week I increased my dose of xanax and added a Lortab each night. Some nights I have taken temazepam which I had quit taking several months ago because I think it is too strong for me and may be what has caused my aphasia but right now I don't care. I just want to be unconscious. I not anywhere near overdosing the amounts just taking the maximum dosages I was prescribed. If really wanted to OD I would add alcohol but I don't want to cause my death (yet) though it wouldn't be such a terrible thing if I never woke up, would it?

I sent emails to my pdoc last week and again today. I know he is busy. Not really sure what he can do anyway but wish he could help me bear this burden.

(((((My Friend Yoda))))) Sorry you're having such a rough time, and I hope your Pdoc is able to help you find some more effective meds and coping techniques during this period.

It sounds to me like you are depressed about being depressed; this can more than double the load, especially if you allow yourself to ponder big questions that are impossible to answer even when we're not depressed. Try to set those aside for now and just focus on dealing with the moment. As for your nightmares, they seem to be expressing your feelings of insecurity - of being unsafe. Since your physical environment and lifestyle have been so radically altered recently, I think it's natural for you to be experiencing this anxiety, as well as grieving for the loss of the familiar. Allow yourself to go through the grieving process to give your mind and emotions the opportunity to adjust to the new reality.

I think those of us with depression are extremely emotionally hypersensitive and are highly susceptible to emotional injury - we feel more and more deeply, especially if we are dealing with a number of medical and/or mental conditions simultaneously. I saw a nature documentary many decades ago about a bear who was seriously injured in an encounter with another bear. It went back to it's cave, curled up, and went into an unseasonal hibernation instinctively. When the bear awoke some months later, it's wounds were healed and it was able to resume its normal life. While the bear was hibernating, its body was able to devote all of its resources to healing the serious wounds because the bear was not taxing those resources by being active.

I have used a form of this same technique many times to heal from major surgeries better and more quickly, being still and quiet even though I wasn't necessarily asleep thereby allowing the body to use all of its resources to heal itself. Then I tried applying this technique to my severe depressive episodes. Just like our bodies can experience physiological overload due to illness or injury, our psyches can experience psychological/emotional overload. Since I am allergic to just about all medications, I have been forced to develop techniques for getting through my severe depressive episodes without assistance. I treat my depression the same way I would if I had a severe physical illness, and do what I call "cocooning."

I reduce mental and emotional input and output, reduce noise and distractions, watch old movies instead of TV because the commercials break my concentration and irritate me, or listen to instrumental music so there are no words demanding my attention, put on comfy clothes or PJs, pile up the pillows and blankets so I feel like I'm inside a great big hug, make a cup of chai tea with honey and milk, then I'm just still and quiet. I don't ask myself questions about anything (especially "why" and "what for"), I don't think about what isn't getting done, I don't think about anything - just float, drift. I take care of my basic needs and focus completely on what my psyche needs at that moment - and do my best to stay in the moment - just be still and quiet and allow myself to feel whatever emotions need to be felt, and do for myself whatever I find most comforting and consoling.

You have just been through some major and unsettling changes in your life, and you need to allow your psyche time to adjust to those changes which can produce feelings of loss and grief, insecurity, instability, fear, anxiety, and uncertainty about what is to come in the future - leaving behind the familiar and not knowing what lies ahead. Allow yourself to just be in, deal with, and feel safe in the moment, and give yourself whatever you need in the moment. Rest does not always mean sleep - I find most often for me it means disconnecting and puttering around the house tidying or doing little projects, or just curling up in my cave to hibernate until my mind is able to handle the input and deal with the demands of the world again.

Hope you are feeling much better soon! lynn09