I'm so sorry. i had that problem as a kid. then relationships with men as an adult, though a trauma cut that. esteem for me. it all about esteem i didn't deserve it. and if they were healthy, I'd sabotaged it. couple different things helped me, though I'm still a pretty private person. one...therapy. now I'm going to say this...but i am NOT a preachy person. my faith was so important. to know someone loved me just for me. that saw all my faults but i was precious in his eyes. so then after a LONG while it started to sink in. someone loved me unconditionally. if it's God or another person that knows you well. and you can't push away. but if you just can't figure it out...therapy is a good start. they can pull out what's buried so deep. sorry i don't have anything else. hope you didn't mind the faith reference.
keep trying